After carrying him for 9 months in your belly, you have already experienced the most beautiful of first separations: that of birth. However, the thought of future separations to come worries you. How can you accept being separated from your baby after all this time spent together? How will he cope with your absence - and you with his?
Whether it's for a weekend, going back to work or taking your little one to daycare or the childminder, this new separation can sometimes seem insurmountable ...
In this article, we give you all the keys to learning how to manage separations and to prepare yourself to entrust your child and resume your activities (professional, social, personal).
Developing the relationship from the first days: creating a strong bond with your child
After nine long months, it is the long-awaited moment of the meeting. You hold your child in your arms for the first time, you see and hear him in a way other than through a machine. It is a unique moment, a long-awaited one-on-one.
Yet this moment would not have been possible without separation. That is the beauty of reunions. And so it is for all those that follow: to savor the happiness of being reunited, you have to know how to appreciate separation . But then why is it so difficult?
Of course, everyone experiences it differently , but we can still see that the experience is generally feared by young parents - and even more so by mothers.
This is normal! Throughout your pregnancy, you create a unique bond with your baby , a fusional bond that develops even more after birth.
To build and develop healthily, a newborn needs affection. This comes through the love that his parents offer him, but also through security, comfort and trust. All this creates a feeling of attachment - which is shared by both sides.
This feeling can be reinforced by practicing skin-to-skin contact in the days following the birth of your child. If you have created such a bond, that's great! It means that you have succeeded very early in developing a relationship of trust with your baby.
Separation for baby's emotional development
Early separations play an important role in a baby's emotional development, including their independence. When a baby begins to separate from their parents, even for short periods, they gradually learn to reassure themselves and adapt to the absence of their attachment figures.
These moments help him understand that he can feel safe even without his parents around, which strengthens his sense of self-confidence. When the baby sees that his parents always come back after an absence, it reinforces his belief that the world is predictable and that his needs will always be met. This emotional stability is fundamental to the development of his confidence and long-term independence.
Parents' Emotional Needs During Separation
For parents, the first separations are often fraught with conflicting emotions. The guilt of "leaving" one's child, the sadness of the separation and sometimes the fear of no longer being indispensable can generate emotional stress. These feelings are natural and are part of the process of adapting to this new stage of parenthood.
But separation is also an opportunity to take time for themselves, to recharge their batteries. By taking care of their own well-being, they will be better equipped to take care of their child. Separations allow parents to regain energy , to refocus and to return to their baby with more patience and better emotional availability .
The benefits of a gradual and caring separation
Paradoxically, separation can strengthen parent-child bonds in the long term. By allowing the child to develop autonomy at his or her own pace, parents foster a relationship based on mutual trust. The child learns that he or she can detach himself or herself without damaging the strength of the bond he or she has built with his or her parents.
Preparing little by little for the first separation
When you think about separating from your little one, it's normal to panic , especially if you've never left them before. Whether you're leaving them with a nanny, a daycare center, or even relatives, it's never easy to take the first step of separation.
This is why we must prepare for this situation , little by little and gently, to manage it better.
First of all, you should know that certain periods are more conducive to departure than others .
Adapt the separation according to the baby's age
The first 100 days: dependence on parents
During the first 100 days after the birth of the newborn, the first separations from an infant should be brief and gentle. At this age, the baby is still very dependent on his parents, especially his main attachment figure. Moments when he is left alone, even for a few minutes, can cause anxiety.
You can take a short break to recharge your batteries. Short and repeated separations allow your baby to gradually get used to the idea of leaving and returning, while respecting their need for security. In these cases, choose times when your child is sleeping or napping: they won't even notice you're gone. Place them under the supervision of a loved one or the other parent to leave more peacefully.
From 6 months: fear of abandonment
Between the 100th day and the 8th month of your child's life, you can leave the house for a little longer (a few hours). If at the beginning you risk being confronted with tears or worry from your child, this will not last: children adapt very quickly to new situations.
On the other hand, from the 8th month , the child realizes that he is not one with his mother. He becomes more aware of his environment and the presence or absence of his parents. He realizes that he is a person in his own right and can show signs of anxiety when his parents are no longer in his field of vision. This is the discovery of the fear of abandonment .
To alleviate this anxiety, it is possible to establish reassuring rituals . For example, saying goodbye in a gentle and consistent manner provides a predictable framework for the child. Always using the same words or gestures, such as a hug or a little game before leaving, helps the baby understand that the separation is temporary. These regular rituals provide a sense of security and continuity in a situation that could be stressful for the child.
After one year: the first desires for independence
Between 12 and 24 months, children develop a strong desire for autonomy (and it's not about to stop!). At this age, they are naturally curious and begin to explore the world around them . This exploration is essential for their cognitive and emotional development, as it allows them to acquire new skills and build their self-confidence.
But even as their desire for independence grows and allows you to get outside a little more often and for longer, it’s important to maintain a secure environment. Children need to know that they can explore while having a reliable point of reference to return to when they feel the need. By encouraging their independence while providing a stable and predictable environment, parents help their children feel safe, even when they are physically apart.
Some tips to make separations easier
Gradually change your habits
The first piece of advice we can give you is to gradually get your baby used to separations . Start by going out from time to time, no more than an hour or two, when he is asleep. Let the other parent or a member of your family take care of him so that he is not too disoriented and you feel confident.
One of the main fears of parents is that the person who is looking after the child will not know how to do it. But rest assured, looking after a baby for a short period of time is not as difficult as it seems! If you have managed to identify your baby's cries to meet his needs, a nanny or his grandmother will know how to do it too.
Managing Longer First Separations
Returning to work or starting daycare is an important step in the life of a baby and their parents. One of the first steps is often to organize preliminary visits to the daycare or nanny. This allows the baby to gradually discover their new living space , to observe the people who will take care of them and to get used to this space, to reduce their apprehension.
When the time comes, you can start by leaving your baby for short periods of time , increasing the duration over time. This allows him to assimilate the change at his own pace, while still feeling secure.
Communication with the team in charge of your child is important. Talk to the nursery professionals or the nanny about your child's habits: their sleep rhythm, what reassures them, their rituals, etc. This transmission of information helps ensure continuity and offers them a reassuring environment, even in the absence of their parents.
Getting your child used to being around people
You can also get him used to seeing people , receiving visitors or going to someone's house. This will be an opportunity for him to meet your loved ones and the people likely to look after him in the future.
Little by little, he will get used to discovering new faces and interacting with people other than his parents. Discovering new places and new faces will have a positive impact on his development and will greatly help him develop his cognitive abilities .
These habits will be beneficial for him: they will allow him to adapt better to changes , for example a new environment (the nanny's house or the nursery), and will make him more serene. It will therefore be easier to initiate a separation later.
Communication is the key
Another important detail to facilitate separations: explaining what is going to happen . Many parents do not pay much attention to this step under the pretext that their child does not understand them. However, they are wrong!
When we explain something, our tone changes and conveys our emotions . Explaining to a baby what is going to happen using a calm and caring tone reassures them and helps them overcome the difficulty of your departure.
Examples:
- "Tomorrow, Mommy and Daddy are going away for the weekend. Grandma is going to look after you, and you're going to have a great time! And then Mommy and Daddy will be back very soon to give you lots of cuddles!"
- "Monday, Mommy goes back to work. That means she won't be here during the day, but she'll be home early to feed you, bathe you, and give you kisses."
Children are like sponges, they suck up our emotions and replicate them.
Finally, you can resort to the magic solution: the comforter ! Whether it is a stuffed animal or an item of clothing of yours, the comforter is your substitute : it replaces your presence in a way. The best thing is to find an object or a thing that smells like you. It will then look familiar to your baby and will be able to reassure him in your place, as if you had not really left.
Managing your emotions and doing your best
One last piece of advice for the road: try not to let your emotions get the better of you . When you leave your child for a longer or shorter period of time, you can often be tempted to cry. Tears come, your voice trembles, your heart races... But remember that there is no separation without a reunion . Moving away from each other is beneficial for both of you and you will quickly see your child again.
On the other hand, to avoid worrying him, be sure to keep your anxiety to yourself. It's normal to feel like crying and to have a heavy heart, just show that everything is fine . If your baby thinks that everything is fine on your side, that it's just a short time apart from each other, he won't have anything to worry about. Remember, children are sponges and feel your emotions perfectly.
Learning to Let Go as a Parent
By understanding that these separations contribute to the child's autonomy, parents can learn to see the moment of separation in a positive light (and no longer in a guilt-ridden way).
If it's difficult, there are several techniques to manage your emotions in times of transition. Deep breathing or meditation can help you gain perspective and reduce stress.
Social support is crucial during these transitional times. Sharing your emotions with other parents , loved ones or professionals helps you realize that these feelings are normal and shared by many parents! Some may have helpful tips to share with you as well.
Creating a trusted network of reliable people they can count on to care for the child also helps reassure parents. Remember: it takes a village to raise a child!
The importance of self-confidence and confidence in your child
As a parent, you will gradually learn to build your self-confidence. Each separation, even a short one, is an opportunity for your baby to learn to adapt, explore and become more independent. By having confidence in his ability to adapt , parents can reduce their own anxiety and create a positive environment for their child.
If it reassures you, you can learn more about the child's development and their needs according to their age. But even if you are informed, allow yourself to make mistakes and adjust as you go. I promise, a slightly botched separation will not traumatize your child. They will always love you, even if they cry when you leave them. Have faith in the process: lots of other parents have gone through these stages and are doing very well today!
Better to separate to better find each other
Most parents project their anxieties onto their children . "But if I go on vacation for a few days, he'll think I'm abandoning him", "if he doesn't see me all day, he'll cry and worry"... However, we too often forget that children adapt very well and very quickly to new situations.
Children are like a blank canvas, they do not yet have all the fears of adults, they are not afraid of being alone or missing out. It is the upbringing and behavior of the adults around them that will color the canvas in different shades and thus influence the child.
If you gradually prepare your baby, teach him to be without you for short periods of time, to meet new people and explore new places, there is no reason why the transitions to come will go badly.
Unfortunately, the life of parents is made up of separations. First the birth, the first outing, the entry into daycare, the arrival in kindergarten, the first school trip... We must approach them with positivity.
Sure, you'll be separated for a few hours or a few days. But you'll be reunited, and better yet, you'll be reunited with a fulfilled child enriched by new experiences.