Surviving a Miscarriage

There are those who try twice, get pregnant and give birth 9 months later to a beautiful baby. And then there are the others. Those for whom access to motherhood is not a long quiet river. Today we wanted to address the subject of miscarriages. A subject that seems taboo to us even though it affects more than one in three women. Many of you responded to our call on Instagram, to tell us your stories, your pain and your hopes. Thank you very much! It is time to share your stories so that they can light the way for other women.

Act 1: the happy event

That's it, it's decided, you want a child. Sometimes you wait six months, a year, a month... Whatever happens, a pregnancy test and a blood test later, it's confirmed: in 9 months you'll be parents! As Shanah says, from the first tests, " we project ourselves... The bedroom... being a parent before 40, etc. " A new adventure begins and you already feel like a mother. 

Act 2: Doubt

But after the first signs of pregnancy, the tests and the joy, some worries appear. Blood loss, a bodily change, an intuition, a strong stomach ache (especially for ectopic pregnancy)... "An emotional roller coaster carried by hormones " Sophie tells us. Doubt creeps in. Is it normal to lose blood, to no longer feel anything or to be in so much pain? To check these symptoms that suggest a miscarriage, you go see your gynecologist.

Act 3: the medical visit

During this medical visit, carried out at your gynecologist or in the emergency room, an ultrasound is systematically done . It allows in particular to check the growth of an embryo, if it is a blighted ovum (an embryo that has not developed), an ectopic pregnancy (EP), to hear the baby's heart (audible from 7 weeks of amenorrhea) etc... And to complete, you may be prescribed a blood test to check the betaHCG level. 

Anne tells us about her appointment: "My gynecologist remained very professional, but very cold. He did his examination, noted the miscarriage and at the end just a "Rest a little" on the doorstep of his office. " In the emergency room, it's the same story : "The gynecologist on duty examined me. While holding the probe in my vagina in one hand, he held his phone in the other and shouted orders to a nurse. The situation was so unreal that it had the merit of making my husband and I laugh." Sophie narrates.

You have sent us many stories like this (even if some teams were perfect). But often, you find yourself faced with a lack of empathy, tact, time and experience when what you need is compassion and explanation.

Emilie makes the same observation : "The care pathway is zero for a miscarriage before 3 months because there is no follow-up. I had to go to the emergency room twice because midwives or gynecologists cannot provide medical support for a miscarriage."

While FC may seem trivial and common to the medical profession, it is not for you. It is a traumatic episode that means the loss of a future baby. “Our little world falls apart very quickly,” confirms Shanah. Faced with this awkwardness, we feel alone, lost and even angry.

Especially since we are often in a hurry for what comes next... Namely, evacuating the embryo. Not being doctors, we are not going to explain the different scenarios to you, but rather guide you towards concrete solutions to help you get back on your feet.

Act 4: Repairing Yourself

And then? After a miscarriage, we take time for ourselves, to repair ourselves . “ The birth of my son was a huge slap in the face after two miscarriages. I realized all the love I could have had much earlier, if I had had my other babies. I spent 3 months crying and grieving while I had a great child in great shape. ” Sophie tells us.

Allowing yourself to cry

Yes, you are grieving. Experiencing a miscarriage is physically and emotionally painful. You have the right to break down and cry, as Mathilde says: " I regret having forbidden myself from being unhappy, it was much better when I accepted that I was unhappy, because you become a mother from the moment you take the test in the end."

Knowing how to surround yourself with the right people and talking about it

We rarely dare to talk about our miscarriages or baby plans. Because it is painful, we want to keep it a surprise, we are ashamed... And yet the silence and solitude surrounding miscarriage are your greatest enemies . One of the key remedies is precisely to approach the subject, again and again and if possible with women who have been through it #sisterhood

“ It’s hard to experience this with your partner because even if the other person is very involved, they don’t experience things the same way because it’s not happening in their body. There’s not that body color, those hormones that make you sensitive to everything… ” says Emilie. Partners often take longer to project themselves into fatherhood. And in this specific case, take the positive: they remain strong to support you while you fall apart. 

You also told us about the awkward remarks. " When people asked me, so the second one? Yes, yes, we think about it, but I had a miscarriage... It makes people feel uncomfortable," says Léa...  It's hard to avoid some questions, but don't hesitate to answer them without a headlight because talking about them also helps others!

Loosen the tongues around you. Dare to approach this subject and you will realize that it happens to lots of friends, their acquaintances, friends of friends. You are not alone. And finally, listen to podcasts that approach the subject like Bliss.

Stop feeling guilty

When you ask your doctor about the causes of miscarriage, he often answers " bad luck " or on the contrary that " nature is well made ". These words supposed to console bring little comfort. So you wonder if there is something wrong with you. You talk a lot about guilt. Some blame themselves for their past actions, others for not being able to provide their partner with a child, others for not being able to "keep" a baby. "I was so sad! I thought that life wanted to punish me for having an abortion, that I would never be able to have children again " explains Ophélie.

This feeling is once again linked to the taboo surrounding miscarriage. Since no one talks about it, women feel like they are the only ones. When in reality, more than one in three women will experience a miscarriage. You are neither alone nor responsible.

Regain confidence in yourself and your body

No, your body is not to blame and you are not responsible. This feeling of guilt that accompanies you is sometimes persistent but above all unjustified. " I no longer had confidence in my body which had betrayed me too much (when in fact, it may have saved me). I started doing sport and set myself a challenge: to do a 10 km run. I felt immense pride after having succeeded, it gave me wings! "  says Sophie.

Establish a goodbye ritual

Don't hesitate to have a burial, even a symbolic one. "Have a mini ceremony to say goodbye to the embryo that gave us a lot of hope before it passed away. Light candles, take a shower with full awareness of yourself and your body that carried life, even briefly. Pick a flower and watch it fly away in the wind. Say goodbye alone or with your loved ones..." advises Emilie.

Taking care of yourself

Then, you have to consult health professionals to take care of your mind and body as you suggest to us "Find a team of qualified professionals who suit you, in particular with a minimum of empathy and psychological monitoring. I consulted a shrink, a magnetizer/healer who calmed me a lot, an osteopath intra to cleanse the tissues and prepare them for the next time." 

Act 5: Strength and Hope

Behind the ordeal, you all draw something positive: choices confirmed "At least we were certain of our baby project and our relationship " (Emilie), a new strength and above all, a happy ending: "After this miscarriage, the body took its time and started again. Our little boy was born in great shape in July" Anne.

Thanks again for your testimonies, don't hesitate to react and send us your stories on Instagram .